You are being sued

Really? That's how the legal system decides it's the best way to be served? By putting at the top of the paperwork "You are being sued."  Well someone needs to come up with a better thing to say.  Actually, what is better? Sued doesn't seem right but I guess anything that is on there isn't much better.  Maybe "Marriage is hard so I want to divorce you" but that wouldn't apply to a lot of people who want divorces for better reasons but that's what mine should have said.  So in 6 months and 1 day from yesterday I will be single.  Wow, that's scary and lonely.  Well married or not the loneliness is already here so I guess that won't change.  At least now my life is going toward what it is going to be for now.  My new normal, for now, will be waiting for the divorce to be final and finding things to keep my mind off the sad stuff.

My baby is 7 today!  She is a happy, healthy, dramatic, friendly, sweet, loving, and beautiful girl!  I would never regret my marriage because I know it was the right thing and how can I regret my 2 wonderful children.  They are my life right now and helping me stay sane.  It's amazing how I relied on my husband to help with so much and thought I couldn't do it by myself.  You never know how strong you are until you have to be and I have to be for my kids and for myself.

How are you doing?

Well that is a question I get asked a lot as my life is finding it's new normal.  It's hard to explain.  I don't want to say crappy, miserable, hell on earth, falling apart, or something like that so I say "doing ok" or "I'm surviving".  When I want to explain how I'm actually doing to the few people who really want to know or I feel really care I don't want to say all those things so I usually say I am in a free fall and sometimes I plummeting to the ground and other times I slow down just enough to see what's going on in the world around me.  I almost told people it's like a roller coaster ride with ups and downs but that's really not how it was and it is just beginning to maybe become a roller coaster instead of a free fall. I will have to see in couple of weeks if I can say roller coaster ride but I don't want to get my hopes up too high.

I have had a few good friends say I should write things down so I decided on this blog.  Who knows if I will ever tell anyone this exists but for now I figure it can be a good outlet.  I'm hoping anyway.  I am a talker so talking through my problems is what keeps me sane but I am hoping this blog will help to get out my feelings without having to be so verbal to my friends and family.  I feel like such a downer sometimes and I hate being this way because I don't feel like this is me.  I know I will get back to me because no matter what happens I won't let this change me for the worse.  I plan on being stronger and learning from this hell so that I can be a better person, mother, and hopefully wife again someday. 

I read a blog the other day about a woman and what is normal.  I really loved it and it is so true.  Our normal is always changing.  My normal now is not what my normal was 4 1/2 months ago when I had complete faith and trust in my husband and marriage.  Before October 13 I didn't know there was anything wrong.  Don't get me wrong.  My marriage wasn't perfect and we weren't in a happy blissful part of it but I knew I would love and be with him forever so I knew we would work through it.  I guess my husband had another idea of what he thought our marriage was like.  After he left me October 20 he told me he was unhappy and how did I not know.  Well I guess that's because you never told me.  Like I said, not the blissful, happy go lucky part of our marriage but I had total faith in him to tell me ever if there was something he was unhappy about so it was like being smacked upside the head, emotionally and physically.  Before then I had no idea what being so emotionally distraught would do to a persons body.  I now know I don't eat for every emotion like I thought I did.  I'm getting back to that place now so that's one of the ways I know I'm doing better.  I want to eat all the time.  Not good but it is good ;).  

I am separated.  Weird to "say"!  We are in mediation.  I will be served tomorrow so our divorce will be final in 6 months and 1 day from March 8.  I never ever pictured or thought at 34 I would be in this place in my life.  I never even imagined I would have a 1st husband and an ex husband.  Still foreign to me to say and think about.  All I can do now is adjust to my new normal.  I am so grateful for my kids and how resilient and loving they are.  I am so grateful for the power of prayer and for the Atonement.  I am so grateful for my mom and how she has been there for me always and will continue to be.  I am so grateful for good friends.  When all this happened it was so hard to be grateful for things and now I am grateful for so many people and things in my life.  The betrayal and hurt will always be there but I know as I am grateful for what I do have I won't sink into the despair I was once in.  I know I will get to a place in my normal where my head and my heart will match with what has happened.  I know logically this is about him and what he is going through and not about me but my heart tells me I'm worthless because my husband doesn't love me enough to stay and fight for me, our marriage, and our family.  I just have to keep praying so that as time goes on my head and my heart will match so I will get my self esteem back and know I am a good person.  Not a perfect person but a good one.